heart beat

We {Jamie came this time!} met with our midwife today and got to hear our sweet boy's heartbeat. It's always so sweet to hear the heartbeat.
I had a bunch of questions written down this time like, *gasp* circumcision {how much, procedure, who does it?} and how much it will cost to deliver here {around 2 million....shillings. ha. this is just under $1000 CAD} and when will I meet Dr. Busingye {the doctor who will likely be delivering this baby since our midwife will be going back to the UK when I'm due} and what if I had to deliver the baby at home {we got a good set of instructions for if I felt I couldn't make it in time - Jamie thinks this would be cool. I kinda do, too.} and a bunch of other things.
Phew. Having a baby in a hospital seems to add a whole other set of additional details to consider that I've never had to think about before {my biggest concern at this point is someone to watch our boys & getting to the hospital in time}!
I am sad that I won't be able to attempt a third home birth, but I'm not freaking out about it {anymore} and I'm really just feeling a peace surrounding this entire pregnancy and birth regarding all the details. God's in control and this baby, while his arrival is unknown to us, is entirely known and planned by God. I love that.

21 weeks

21 weeks on the 21st!
I feel about twice as big as this picture makes me look.

I've been having some really wild {and unpleasant} dreams lately. Mostly just vivid, but last night I had two dreams about my boys either being mistreated or trying to get to them. And I went absolutely nuts on someone when I found out they had hurt Jude. Like, physically violent. I woke up and cried. It was intense.

I've been trying to exercise regularly, it usually ends up being 3-4 times a week although I try for 5. Usually just a good 30 minutes on the bike {although my belly is getting in the way of my knees moving back and forth now} or 30 minutes of my prenatal pilates. Today I managed 10 minutes on the bike before giving up.
Sigh.

But on the upside I've only gained about 2 lbs so far. This is a good thing as I started this pregnancy about 10lbs heavier than I started with at least Noah's pregnancy, possibly Jude's as well {I can't remember}.

20 weeks

halfway to meeting our sweet little boy!

I can't believe i forgot to post it here. Yes we found out on Wednesday that we are adding a third boy to our family! I'm so excited and happy and it's just funny how it's actually happening. "It" being the family I always pictured myself having for some reason. I could just see me and a bunch of little boys. And it's not that I'm a tomboy or anything. No, I love nail polish and dressing up {hence the picture, you better believe I'm now wearing shorts and a t-shirt now} and make-up, but for some reason...I just pictured a whole troop of boys!

My friend Kelly commented to me the other day {after I said that I actually know quite a few families with three boys in them} that she believes that God is raising up a generation of Godly men. The same thought had occured to me and I thought, what an absolute honour and privilege of being chosen to be a Mom to these little boys - one day to be men who I pray love and follow Jesus and lead others to do the same thing.
So cool.

So anyway, this dress is a second-hand one I picked up a couple weeks ago and it is a little short to wear here without leggings {anyone have maternity leggings you want to send me?} but I love and it and it makes me feel pretty. It's not a maternity dress, so I'll be able to wear it post-preggo too.

We still haven't decided on a name yet. I have one I really like. Jamie's warming up to it. But it's hard, ya know. After picking two other boys' names that you love and now having to think of a third. Once we do decide, though, we'll call the baby by his name. {I love being able to write "he" and "his"!}

the journey to three

Throughout this pregnancy and even before, I've had this distinct impression that this pregnancy is different. Not different like "pregnant with a boy" vs. "pregnant with a girl", but something that's far deeper and significant than gender.
I've wanted to put it into words for quite some time and so I find myself unable to sleep and why not write it down?

When Jamie first proposed to me the idea of moving to Uganda and I knew in my heart it was something we should do, a lot of dreams died within me.
Namely, the dream of trying for a baby several months before we would be leaving. I knew I did not want to move to a different country while pregnant. Moving to a different house (with both pregnancies) was crazy enough, much less to a different continent.
And so I surrendered that dream to God's timing. I knew I wanted more kids and entertained the "crazy" idea of having a baby while in Uganda, but didn't put any stock in it as I knew I needed to allow myself time to adjust to moving our family overseas and didn't want to commit my heart or my head to any set "schedule" of when we'd start trying for a third.

Within a couple months of arriving in Uganda, I felt the desire to start trying for a third. Jamie and I talked about it briefly and then a couple of weeks later in more depth and prayed about it and agreed to start trying.
(If you are a guy, you might want to skip this next part...)

Now I'm usually a 28 day cycle kinda girl. My periods are regular and dependable. But until November, my cycle was all over the map - and only getting shorter and shorter so that at one point it was only 21 days long. Which makes trying to conceive very difficult, if not near impossible. So after trying for a few months and many more cycles than that (5 or 6?) I was feeling discouraged after every cycle.
I started to feel (after about 3 cycles?) that something wasn't right and maybe it just wasn't God's timing for us. So I prayed. And I started feeling more peace about it. I stopped trying to read my body's "signs" (I don't really get any pregnancy symptoms so it was ridiculous each month trying to tell if I felt sick in the mornings or my breasts felt tender, etc.) and just left it with God. Then in November I had a 28 day cycle and the next month (December) I got pregnant.
I felt the most peace during December before I even knew we had conceived.
When I didn't get my period on Boxing Day I knew. I didn't even have to take a test. In fact, I didn't take a test for another couple weeks!

I know my story is nothing compared to the women who have waited and tried and researched and cried and begged and have been desperate to have one child, let alone be trying for number three! But it is my story. And with Noah and Jude I got pregnant pretty much right away so this was a different sort of journey to expand our family.

I know that "children are a gift from God" but I think this journey to three has been unlike the other two - perhaps because I feel it's my last time being pregnant, perhaps it's because God's been doing something in my heart so painful and real that it's unlike entering motherhood for the first time (which was a scary and painful thing on its own) or for the second time (where the challenges came a little later for me) but  that this baby and this pregnancy are unique and for that I am so thankful. Each child different. Each journey different.

I still struggle to claim this peace. I still worry. I've worried in each of my pregnancies. It's a continual "handing over" I find myself doing of worries and things out of my control. It begins in pregnancy and I don't think it ever ends. But there is a peace to be claimed - regardless of the outcome.

19 weeks

It's cold. Last night there was a HUGE rainstorm. I was up with the boys for a bit. Jude was so funny. I lay down with him for a bit and we talked about the "fundas" {thunder}.
Some things Jude said,
Mom! The fundas is getting away! Pank {spank} them! 
I think the birds can handle the fundas. They have knives. They can CUT the fundas into pieces.
Jesus is with us. 
I think Lightning McQueen can handle the funda.


There were a few other things which I can't remember now that I'm more awake.

I didn't feel the baby moving yesterday so I drank some OJ before Jamie and I sat down to watch an episode of Community after putting the boys to bed and waited. Sure enough, small little movements.
But then later that night I didn't feel like sleeping so I stayed up and read and surfed the interwebs for a bit. Then finally felt tired around midnight. And then the baby started kicking up a storm. I could picture it in a teeny, tiny karate uniform doing chops and kicks to my uterus.

Also? These are my only pair of skinny jeans. I've resigned myself to using the elastic band through the button hole. I can still button them, it's just too much pressure right now, though.

This is the week we find out - boy or girl! Exciting!!!

**FYI this blog is no longer private so if you're like my sister or husband, you can now subscribe to this blog via your blog reader. 

announcement

things totally didn't work out as i had envisioned they would. noah refused to cooperate with the "three on the third" pregnancy announcement. but {honestly} what else is new? he often refuses to cooperate with pictures and this was no different. i had to breathe {very, very deeply} and choke down the irrational rage at my plans not working out how i wanted them to {and also to resist the urge to be physically or emotionally out of control - man these pregnancy hormones can be whack}. i did shed a few tears as i stomped walked to my bedroom to upload the pictures. {again with the pregnancy hormones.}
jamie did a fantastic job with what he was given and jude was such a sweetie kissing the belly, touching the belly and smiling for the camera.

but it's out. it's official. the interwebs are now "in the know" about this sweet gift of a pregnancy.